Not Only Do Women Deserve More Ease, It Is Critical to Our Well-Being
Lessons from the yoga mat
“Child’s pose”, she said.
I placed my knees on the edge of my yoga mat, stretched my arms out in front of me as I brought my toes to touch and sank back into my heels, resting my forehead on my mat. Deep breathe in, deep breathe out.
“Let it be easy”, she said.
Deep breathe in, deep breathe out as I sank deeper into the pose.
“Allow the intelligence of your body to do all the work”, she instructed.
Deeper into the pose I went but not without distraction. I had been gifted my first yoga class, I was the only person of color and I kept wondering if I was doing the poses right. Throughout my 9:00 am, Tuesday morning yoga class, we were reminded over and over, with every pose to “let it be easy”. I wanted so badly to “let it be easy” but I just couldn’t stop checking my surroundings. My body didn’t look or move like the other bodies in class. My hips were wider and my structure thicker. This is why representation matters. It wasn’t until I found a Black yoga teacher many years later that I learned that there were adjustments and considerations for my body and I could release the pressure of trying to achieve the Instagram photo perfect pose and simply be with the body given to me.
There has not been a time, since that Tuesday in 2016, when I find myself struggling, pushing, resisting, doubting or denying myself that, “let it be easy”, doesn’t float to the surface. What has also floated to the surface is the challenge to let it be so.
The tipping point
For several years I struggled. I struggled financially, professionally and as a mother. Living check to check, while trying to care for my two daughters and growing my career in a competitive industry. It was not sustainable. My girls were always the first to daycare and the last to leave. I rushed them to bed at night so I could work more to try to get ahead — to prove myself and impress people that didn’t see me. Rarely did I ask for help. I have a lot mom guilt, remembering those times.
Finally, reaching a tipping point, I shared with two of my friends, who are also my accountability partners, that I believed a million dollars would save my life. Both asked me what a millions dollars would do for me. Without pause, I shared how it would allow me to ease into my day - not rushing to the girls out the door, barely stopping as they got out of the car for school. It would allow me the availability to pick them up and be available if they needed me during the day. It would allow us to travel together. It would allow me to get out of debt. It would allow me to purchase a home. After I shared, they asked if there was another way to create space for all of those things. There was and I made a list of my dreams and my needs.
I got clear on my income needs down to the penny and began to look for roles that aligned. I was honest with recruiters about the income I needed (which took a lot of practice). I explored roles that allowed me flexibility or to work from home. I was honest with my manager upfront about my needs as a parent and negotiated hours when needed. I was more intentional about the person I worked for and people I worked with. I explored my stories around money, not valuing myself, overworking and boundaries. I explored why I would continue to be in spaces where I was tolerated rather than seen and heard.
Somewhere someone told me, it was about the money so I chased the money. But when I listened to my heart, I created space for what I truly desired which was to be present in my life and to my girls. And how God works, a company and leaders that aligned to my life stage, needs and values came forward. The moment I got clear on me, all things aligned.
Whatever template or program has been sold to you - examine it. Is it truly what YOU want and need or is it what someone else said you should do, be, have? Living by anything else other than what is authentically you will always be a never-ending, uphill battle. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand it is a privilege to be in a position of choice and I do not take that lightly.
I was taught to hustle, push, grind, make it happen. Like many Black women, I was taught that we do hard things, we work hard, we are strong no matter what. Right? Right. Like me, so many Black women are tired, burned out and exhausted.
The story the data is telling us
Marielle Thomas, in a 2020 LinkedIn post shared, “As a Black woman, I'm tired. I can't begin to tell you how exhausting it is to not only not be seen but consistently having to defend your worth to people. Having to fight in the work place for your work to be valued, your voice to be heard, your expertise to be acknowledged….How is it often we are the most educated in a space but don’t get promoted or we are treated/talked to like we are children instead of the brilliant women we are? We are often viewed as angry when we are passionate. We are told we are aggressive when we are fighting for the position or credit we deserve. Then, to be told by society, your life doesn't matter is crushing…We deserve better…”
Black women do deserve better. Dr. Joe Dispenza, a scientist, teacher, lecturer and author, whose work is in epigenetics and quantum mechanics says, "the hormones of stress down regulate genes and cause disease”. According to the American Heart Association, “Stressful life events — such as the death of a spouse or other family members, divorce, abuse, job loss or financial problems— are linked to HIGHER INCIDENTS of heart attack, stroke and other types of cardiovascular disease in Black women”. Overall, Black women have higher rates of health conditions than other women in the U.S and it is a critical something is done about it.
Soft-living
By now you may have heard of the #softlife and soft living. Originated in the Nigerian influencer community, Black women are seeking comfort, peace, and rest. Black women are not only seeking rest, they are prioritizing it and exploring more ways to take care in spite of the messaging and programming that says otherwise. This resonated with me on so many levels, soft living felt like a deep sigh of relief. Not only do we deserve spaces where we can soften, we deserve more ease like everyone else.
Why ease?
Ease makes way for flow and movement free of struggle or burden. Embracing ease is tapping into the rhythm of our unique design and inner knowing and out of the stress response. Ease is releasing and letting go, allowing ourselves to receive and be supported. Ease calls us to be vulnerable. To be clear, a life filled with more ease does not mean it is without work; however, the work is intentional and brings you back to ease. For Black women, ease is releasing the idea and programming that if we are to experience anything in life that is worth having, it has to be hard. It is also releasing the programs that we must take on and do everything on our own.
Stephanie Perry, housesitter who helps black women embrace more ease, shares in a 2021 Black Enterprise article, “Black women often get the messaging that we exist to help other people live their best lives to the exclusion of our own joy. Black women in America rarely get the opportunity to live our lives on our own terms without worrying about other people’s reactions or how they’ll be affected. We’re constantly striving for the next level of excellence while getting further and further from our own peace of mind. This is a problem…”
Constant striving, societal programming, unrealistic expectations and messaging in the media triggering feelings of not being enough has Black women distracted, disconnected, exhausted and dying. The CDC reports, the number one cause of death of Black women is heart disease at 23%, followed by cancer at 21.2% and stoke at 6.5%. It is clear that it is time for Black women to take care in a new and impactful way — and what can be more impactful than embracing a thing that has been traditionally kept out of reach — a life that is ease-filled.
Soft Living vs Ease
Soft living is a lifestyle. It is a way of being and showing up in the world to ensure there is comfort, peace and the space for relaxation. Ease is state of allowing. It is removing the need and pressure to be doing anything other than responding to moments as they arise and can be woven throughout all aspects of life. It is a seasoning and medicine.
Now what?
If you are anything like me, inviting in and allowing ease may be a daily practice. It is calling forward all of the programming in me that says, I am only valuable if every hour of my day is filled to capacity and I have something to show for it. So, I invite you to consider three movements:
Affirm: You are worthy and deserving of a life filled with ease
Explore what ease looks like for you. It will not look the same for everyone.
Commit to allowing yourself to be supported in ways that feel good for you. Note: this may not be as clear until you know what ease looks like for you.
How would inviting in and allowing more ease shift things for you? Keep in touch and subscribe to our newsletter.